All of us have heard over and over that conflict is inevitable within a relationship. The common view is that we must deal with this conflict and learn to work through it. We believe that the essence of this myth is a fallacious assumption. Although well-meaning, this attitude often leads to unnecessary separateness and estrangement between couples. It perpetuates the view that the partners are separate and on different sides. It reinforces differences such as gender and personality, and instead of making those differences something potentially positive, presents them as fixed obstacles to be overcome.
There is a simple and surprisingly powerful way of approaching this that can transform a couple’s experience of problem solving and decision making.
Effectively, each of you is looking for an experience of mutuality, not separateness. This must remain uppermost in your minds at all times.
This can be hard to attain in practice. We are used to conflict being our normal response, but the pattern can be changed by making a different choice. Create a basic format (or ritual, if you will) that you use for problem-solving and decision-making. Start out by speaking out loud to each other that you are on the same side and are looking for a solution together. Hold hands or be in physical contact, and each of you proclaim that you intend to reach a place of mutual agreement.
Every time you feel yourself losing contact with your partner and getting defensive or argumentative, remember that you are in this together, and return to the emotional connection you committed to at the start. Believe a result is possible, even though you can’t see it yet, and that the two of you want to reach it together. Reaffirm to your partner that you want to reach a solution or decision that is good for both of you together.
The way forward is for each person to state what they want in turn. Come from the ‘we’ rather than the ‘you’ (the finger-pointing you), in both thought and choice of language. “How can we find a solution to this issue?” “What is the best decision for us?” The shift in language from the ‘you’ to the ‘we’ has a powerful effect in and of itself. It removes accusations and attacks, and avoids putting the other person on the defensive. No decision or solution works unless it is a mutual one.
Don’t fall off the wagon! If your partner does, don’t join him or her; instead, help them back by remaining committed to a shared solution. This is the point at which you can make a conscious choice to act differently. One small change will cause a different reaction, and the entire discussion can take an alternate path. By refusing to let conflict in, even if it comes from your partner, your response can change the entire tenor of the exchange.
Most of all, it is important to remember that this is not some hard, heavy struggle. This is a dance you are doing together. Make it light and make it joyful.
